Let go of whatever and whoever hurt you. Choose to heal, choose to recover… choose happiness. You are NOT defined by the failures of your past, the people that hurt you or the mistakes that you’ve made. You are not defined by the missed opportunities that you gave up because you were anxiously waiting for something better to arrive, that never did. You are not defined by your imperfections, insecurities and inadequacies; they are what make you, you… and darling, nothing compares to you.
The strongest thing about you was the thing he had forgotten to appreciate… your audacity.
There was a time that you had loved him so passionately with each and every inch of your delicate, naïve heart… but now there’s nothing more than just a lingering emptiness inside your chest where his heart used to rest silently against yours, entangled within your existence. And sometimes, you catch yourself thinking about the days when everything was just a little bit simpler… when every embrace felt like home and every kiss felt like eternity.
I want you to desire me, with every aching bone you have in your body and every tickle of my touch that sends tingles up your spine. Though I know that as long as you’re in a genocidal war with the demons inside your head, you’ll never crave me the way I desperately cling to you. And it terrifies me, yet my mind always wanders back to the thought that maybe once the demons have stopped consuming your mind… so will I.
2018 taught me that it’s okay to start over. It’s okay to have to re-evaluate my goals, re-prioritize my passions and admit defeat, at least temporarily.
This year taught me to confidently live in the present, because even though where I am right now isn’t exactly where I had planned I’d be, I can and should make the most of what I’ve got, because sometimes, something good starts out as something small… a choice to make a change, an understanding that I don’t want to be defined by my failures, or the epiphany that I don’t want to live a life that’s… predictable.
When we give ourselves the strength to let go of all the things we cannot control, rather than allowing them to hold power over our lives, we free ourselves from all the anger, hatred, guilt, regret and unrealistic expectations we have for ourselves, and the lives we live.
It is within our own selfishness that we regret the passing of our ailing elders who have been welcomed into the restful eternity of imperishable silence… as we do not choose the time that our souls retreat from our motionless bodies, our time is chosen for us.
Do you ever pause and anxiously scramble for that perfectly sculpted fairy-tale response to appear in your mind when people ask the unnerving question “where do you plan to be in 5 years?”
I usually avoid this question like the plague and take it as lightly as my heart will allow. But as I sit here now meticulously pondering this question I’ve come to realize it has more than likely manifested by my undying fear of the unknown, rejection and the apprehension that the future I had hoped for would result in crumbling dreams and aspirations.
Even the slightest thoughts about the future had previously made me sick to my stomach, and even now I still catch my wondering becoming obsessive at times when I contemplate how I could possibly think about where I hypothetically ‘could’ be in 5 years, when I can’t even figure out where I theoretically ‘should’ be.
It’s crazy how we allow ourselves to so easily forget how lucky we are, even in the simplest of forms… gratitude. We lose ourselves among that everyday chaos and impatient rush between the briefest of moments to the next, that we so effortlessly take everything we have and are for granted. We forget about all of our simple pleasures in life and all those little things that bring us the purist amounts of joy because we’re so dismissively oblivious to the world around us.
We try to define love so we can understand it… We paint it in black and white so we can describe it, make sense of it, or… see it for what it truly is.
Truth is… Love is knowing your partner’s weakness, but never using it against them. Love is doing absolutely nothing with them, but still being indescribably content. Love is when your favourite parts of them are all their little mannerisms, quirks and little things they do that make you head over heels for them.
Love is trying to be mad at them, but uncontrollably laughing with them instead because deep down you know everything is better with them right beside you, holding your hand; and honestly, the thing you were fighting about in the first place wasn’t even that big of a deal anyways.